When I’m Too Ashamed to Approach God

Looking through my journals today I came across an unedited version of this gem below.  While I’m not feeling the desperate brokenness and weariness that I was in this season of life, much of it still relates.  I want to share it with you.

Psalm 1:2 Blessed is he who delights in the law of the Lord and meditates on his law day and night.

Do I delight in it?  Do I meditate on it?

No.

Why?

Because I’m so far behind.  I’m spiritually out of shape {shame}.  I am like the wilting flowers in my garden. The sun is hot on them, but I’m sure the sun is even harder to bare because they don’t have the water they need because I haven’t watered them today, like I haven’t watered my soul.  I am afraid to start. {fear}  Not being perfect tomorrow means I’m a failure. {lie}

I am an idiot when I feel ashamed to seek God in response to my need and my pain. I feel bad when I seek him for relief because that means I’m making things about me not God.  But read the Psalms.  They are not all about God and his glory directly.  They are often about the psalmist crying out to a God who will help, heal, teach, guide, protect when the psalmist needs God to do this things for him.

It is about crying out to God for the things I cannot do myself.

And then, as God responds to me, he is glorified.  By admitting my weakness I am acknowledging reality and acknowledging who I am and who God is. He desires to love and support me, to be for me what I cannot before myself.  That’s not weakness in a “I could be stronger but I’m not”  kind of what, it’s reality and it brings him joy.

Why is he like this? I don’t know.  He just is.  Why is it hard for me to accept this?  I don’t know that either. But it is.

Still, I have a choice today.  I can choose to believe that I am a burden to him or that he delights in me.  I can bring my shame to him.  I can approach him despite my fear.  I can confront the lies with truth.  I can choose, as hard as it is, to act on the belief that he cares or I can turn away, weak and weary, and try to do it on my own.

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