Family Planning vs. Family Trying

You innocently asked me if we planned on having any more children.  After nearly two years of trying I realize that I cannot “plan” to have another child; planning involves some confidence in my ability to produce the intended result.  I cannot plan to have another child, I can only hope and try to have another child.

Right now I’m trying and failing.

My daughter’s third birthday is two months away.  I always thought I wanted my kids about two years apart.  Now we’re looking at closer to four years apart, if I get pregnant soon.  One will be going into pre-school while I start the whole tired chaotic process all over again. If I can start the chaotic process all over again.

The questions never bothered me before. I’m a pretty open, honest person and don’t mind talking about my life or the details of it.  But this is becoming different.   Earlier this week, when I dreamed I was writing a blog post about my inability to conceive I realized that there is a lot more below the surface than I had been aware of.  I’m afraid that talking will lead to the dam of emotions breaking.

I tell myself that it’s okay that I’m not getting pregnant right now because I still have 40lbs to loose.  Or that it’s okay because I’m excited about my career moving forward. I tell myself that I’m lucky to have the one child that I do (who is currently singing, “happy birthday to you!” And trying to suction a hook to my shoulder); many women don’t have that.

But the longing is still there and it is growing, right along with my sense of powerlessness.

A few months ago a friend of mine got a new baby.  We went through all of my daughter’s clothes and she took the ones she wanted.  The rest I donated to our church’s garage sale.  I needed to let go of the past.  And, practically, if I get pregnant there’s a chance it won’t be a girl, which would mean those clothes were cluttering my storage space for no purpose. And it’s not like I don’t know a bunch of people who would give us hand me downs if we had a girl so it’s not like our kid would go unclothed.  And if I don’t get pregnant, I don’t want them there to remind me every time I go into that room to do laundry.

It is easy to want what you don’t have, even when you’re grateful for what you do have.

I could find out I’m pregnant tomorrow, in which case I’d feel foolish for posting this today.  But to the best of my knowledge I am not pregnant and it is heavy on my heart and I need to let myself feel so I am writing.  And posting.  And admitting I want another child and that it is out of my hands.

Jonah is about Compassion, Not Obedience.

The story of Jonah and the whale is NOT a story about obedience. It’s not even a story about Jonah and it’s certainly not a story about a whale.

It is a story about the great and compassionate God whose heart is for the world’s redemption.   It is a story that shows us how God reached out Israel’s ENEMIES (Nineveh was the capital city of the Assyrians who took the Northern Kingdom in 722 BC) and offered them an opportunity to repent and turn from their sins.  Which they did.  For a generation.  But then they rejected God so he sent Nahum to call them out.  Two books, calling the enemies of God’s chosen people to repentance.  Warning them about what happens if they don’t repent. That’s grace.

Rather than being the hero of the story, Jonah serves as a dramatic foil for God.  God calls Jonah to go preach to the city of Nineveh.  Jonah flees in the other direction in a boat.  When a storm threatens the boat he’s on, Jonah admits he’s fleeing from God and his disobedience is likely the cause of the storm so they throw him overboard.  A large fish swallows Jonah.  The storm stops. While inside the big fish Jonah prays and praises God for deliverance (Jonah 2 is a beautiful prayer, you should read it).  The large fish spits Jonah up on the shore.  Jonah then goes and preaches to Nineveh and the city repents.  God relents.  Jonah is angry.  He says to God, “Isn’t this what I said, Lord, when I was still at home? That is what I tried to forestall by fleeing to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity.” (ESV)

Jonah didn’t want the Ninevites to repent.  He wanted justice.  The Ninevites were BAD people.  Jonah rightly wanted them to suffer for their injustice.  But he wrongly refused to extend God’s offer of grace for repentance. It’s a weird tension, being angry at sin and sinners but being ambassadors of a graceful God to unjust people.  It’s the tension I feel when I hear stories of child abuse.  I am so angry at the abusers and want them to suffer for the damage they’ve caused but I also desperately want them to know the transforming grace of Christ.  It’s incredibly uncomfortable and confusing to think and feel both things.  Jonah didn’t have to worry about that though, he focused on justice, letting the evil people suffer.  And by focusing on this, he was missing out on a huge part of the character of God and he missed out on willingly being a part of the redemptive role Israel was supposed to have in the world.

So we see God offering second chances to both Jonah and the Ninevites.  It doesn’t really appear that Jonah wanted a second chance, but God gave him one.  God rescued Jonah from death by sending a big fish.  (Nineveh means, “city of fish.” I’m sure God intended the irony.) So Jonah had a second chance at life.  Then he had a second chance to be obedient, which he took, albeit begrudgingly.  Then he had a second chance to realign his heart with God’s, which he apparently did not take.  After Nineveh repented Jonah went out on a hill where God grew a plant to give him shade.  Then God killed the plant.  Then Jonah said, “God, this sucks.  I want to die.” And God said, “Are you kidding me? Do you really have more compassion for this plant than that city of more than 120,000 people…and their animals?” And the book ends.  On top of showing grace to Israel’s enemies, God was calling out Jonah and, I believe, calling out the whole nation of Israel for not being the light to the other nations that he intended them to be.

To be clear, God doesn’t call Jonah out for disobedience.  He calls him out for lack of compassion.

Jonah’s lack of compassion highlights the depths of God’s compassion.  That, my friend, is what this story is about.  So stop using this story to scare people into obedience. No more, “You better obey God the first time or you might find yourself in the belly of a fish!” type threats. No more children’s books that focus on Jonah’s failure to obey and then his subsequent choice to obey.  Share the story for what it is, a story that highlights how amazing, gracious and compassionate God is.  It’s a story about loving your enemies.

Proper application isn’t “Be obedient!” Proper application is to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. It is to go and make disciples of all nations and of all types of sinners, even the ones who are really bad.  Proper application is to be gracious and compassionate toward those who offend you the most, in the same way that Christ was gracious and compassionate to you.

The Symptom or the Cause?

My daughter had a fever.  I gave her tylenol.  After a few days I took her to the doctor and he told me she had an ear infection and prescribed an antibiotic.  The antibiotic is curing the ear infection and the fever is disappearing. With the tylenol I was effectively treating a symptom without treating the cause.

 I’m a stress eater.  It’s been a stressful bunch of years with seminary, work, ministry, and family and I’ve been asking the Lord to help me reign in my eating. It hasn’t been working. Recently, I’ve begun listening to the Lord when he’s told me to stop doing so much.  To stop taking advantage of great opportunities.  To let go of things that are strategic or that I would love to do but are not right for right now.  I’ve done less.  I’ve had less stress.  My eating habits have become manageable (not perfect, but better). 

For years, I wanted a God who would, like tylenol, take away the symptom.  Instead, he, like an antibiotic, wanted to attack the cause.  It’s not just about going to him to relieve my stress, it’s about stopping the things that cause me stress.  Obviously there are things I can’t control, but taking control of the things that I can and sacrificing the things that I want to do are bringing me freedom in other areas of my life. 

A Pastoral Theologian or Theologically-minded Pastor?

When a colleague changed jobs from campus pastor to theology professor he explained that he was more of a pastoral theologian than a theologically-minded pastor.  He indicated that there is a continuum between ones focus on theology and the role of pastoring.  

I think he’s right.  

I’ve met people who played with theological ideas all day long but didn’t have the ability (or interest) to pastor and care for people.  I’ve also met people who wanted to focus all of the time and energy caring for the flock and hated wasting their time on studying theology.  I realize that most people fall (as they should) somewhere in between the two extremes but that they tend to lean more toward one side than the other.

I don’t know where I fall.  

When I preach, it sounds more like teaching.  When I teach, it breaks my heart that I’m not preaching.  Today I taught on revelation, the idea that God is showing himself and his truth to people both generally (through creation, common grace and conscience) and specifically (in definite ways to definite people at definite times (like in the Bible or through speech).  I presented the information in a logical orderly fashion.  

I defined.  I labeled.  I categorized. I communicated.

And, when I was done, I felt like I had profaned something holy.  To speak in propositional truths about the God of the universe choosing to reveal himself to mankind seemed to fall woefully short of what the topic deserved.  I was taking something that should be awe-insipiring and making it something the brain could easily handle.  I felt like I was taking something weighty and beautiful and, by making it tangible, I was making it cheap.

If I had taken the time to craft a message or an experience that would help them feel, experience, and know the wonder that is the wholly-other God seeking us out, I wouldn’t have had enough time to cover the material. And covering the material is legitimate and genuinely important.  

And so I am feeling the tension between academic theology and pastoral care.  My ministry, right now, is in the classroom.  There are objectives that I’m being paid to help the students complete.  My job is to reach their head  and I want to be careful not to neglect their hearts in the process.  Theology calls for all of us.  It must be both academic and pastoral.  I don’t yet know how to balance that in my classroom with my students for the three hours a week I engage with them. 

 

Which Translation Do You Use?

In class last week we began to explore different English Translations.  What makes them unique?  What makes them good? Bad? When and why should we use different translations?    Despite my plan to have my students ask these questions, I hadn’t really thought about which translation(s) I’d be using in class until a student asked me a question about which translation her group should use on a group project that they whole class would eventually be interacting with.

The practical side of me wants to use whatever translation the majority of my audience is using.  So, whether I’m teaching, preaching, or leading, that probably means I’ll be using the NIV.  This is hard for me.  But I’ve been conditioned to believe the NIV is less accurate and academically inferior.

The academic (or maybe just academically insecure) part of me wants to follow in the footsteps of my seminary professors and use the ESV a more modern, academically respectable translation.

Let’s be honest, for the majority of the passages we’ll be looking at in a systematic theology/church history overview course, it’s not going to make that much of a difference which translation we use.  We just won’t have time to dive too deeply into the meanings of a lot of individual words and their nuances. But, I’m sure I’ll find a few passages where it will matter.

The practical side is going to win out on this one and it’s going to mean more work for me.  As I prepare to share biblical texts in class I’m going to need to compare several translations to see if there are any significant differences in the translations and then I’m going to need to find out why.  I plan to use the translation the majority of my students are using, but I’m going to work to augment the text (when or if necessary) with insights from other translations and the original languages. I would probably do that anyway, but I’ll feel the need to do so a little more strongly because I’m starting with a less academically respected translation.

So, NIV, your popularity amongst the people combined with my desire to remove unnecessary hurdles in the doing of theology for lay people in the church means you win this debate this semester.

Which translation of the Bible do you use?  Why?

I’m a Professor!

I just completed my first week of teaching traditional undergraduate classes.    These are classes where I wrote the syllabus; I created (or borrowed) the assignments.  Much of my students’ learning will depend on how well I organize the course and communicate the material; it’s a lot of responsibility. It’s been a lot of work and a lot of stress and it has been SO MUCH fun!

Just over a month ago I was sitting in my supervisor’s office quitting my job as a grader because I felt like there was a little too much going on in my life and needed to focus on things that mattered more to me.  I walked out the office with an offer to teach.  We had a little family meeting and reorganized some things in all of our lives to carve out room for me to add teaching to my plate.  I’m grateful for my husband’s support and I’m excited that my 2 year old is going to get to hang out with other little kids in the morning at a local daycare.  

Right now I’m so focused on the material and presentations that I’m just starting to become aware that the 43 students I have are real people with real lives outside of the 3 hours I see them each week.  As I’m getting more comfortable with my presence in the classroom and how I do the teaching thing, I’m going to have a growing opportunity to get to know them as people with hopes, fears, dreams, jobs, ministries and relationships.  I’m excited to get to invest in their theological development as well as their lives.

Let the adventure begin!

Because You Woke Up This Morning Wondering Why the Slave Girl Was a Slave for Life when the Man was Set Free after Six Years.

I originally wrote this as a paper for a class on Old Testament Law in its Ancient Near East context.  For the last several months I’ve been trying to put it into words that would make sense for people who haven’t read a lot on Old Testament Law or Ancient Near East Law.  Let me know how I did.

The inequity in the Old Testament laws between the value of women and the value of men has always troubled me.  An example of this is Exodus 21:2-11.  This is the beginning of the Covenant Code. It was given to Israel in the same stretch that they receive the 10 commandments.  It is written as case law.  This means that a case is presented, “If this thing happens…” followed by how that case should be dealt with, “Then do this…”  Typically a few modifications of the case will be explored before moving on to the next case.

Here, we are given the case of the man sold into debt slavery (like an indentured servant) and the female sold into debt slavery. In the case of the man, we see that he is set free after six years unless he choose to remain with his master permanently.  Limits on how long a person could serve to work off his debt were common in Ancient Near East laws.  This was to protect the poor from being exploited and enslaved indefinitely.

² “If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year, he shall go free, without paying anything. ³ If he comes alone, he is to go free alone; but if he has a wife when he comes, she is to go with him. ⁴ If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free. ⁵ “But if the servant declares, ‘I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,’ ⁶ then his master must take him before the judges. He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life. (NIV)

But in verse 7 we see, quite clearly, that the daughter sold into slavery is not to be released after six years like the man.  Instead she is to remain with her master indefinitely unless certain requirements are met (or not met).

It reads:

⁷ “If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do. ⁸ If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her. ⁹ If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. ¹⁰ If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. ¹¹ If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money. (NIV)

I originally thought this was simply because of her gender, but it’s more nuanced than that.

The first hint that something is different is is that she is referred to as a daughter, not a woman, not a wife.  Her primary identity is in relationship to her father.  She is unmarried.

Then we she that she is “designated” for her master or for his son.  Either way, she is given the rights of a daughter while in this designated state.  She had been designated to marry him (either the master or the son).  Until they are married, she is to be treated like a daughter.  As a daughter her sexuality is protected.

If, she does not please her master, who has designated her for himself (v8) he must let her be redeemed.  He cannot sell her to foreign people.  Because he took her with the intention of marrying her, but chooses not to marry her, he cannot put her in a situation where she might be taken advantage of by another family or master.  He cannot sell her to people who might not honor the intent of her original contract and either treat her like a slave or a prostitute.  Instead, he must let her be redeemed.  This means he has to give her family the option to take her back.  It’s a little more complicated than that and money would probably have to change hands at this point but let’s keep it simple for now.

Verse 10 is a pretty strong indication that she was designated as a wife.  It says that if he takes another wife, indicating that he already has a wife, the woman we’re talking about here.  If he takes another wife he cannot diminish the first wive’s food clothing or marital rights.  He must continue to provide for her as his wife, even if he gets another wife.  If he fails to provide for her, she can go out without payment of money.  This protects her as a servant/wife from being downgraded to servant if a better wife option comes along.  It also means that she doesn’t have to pay off any debt or anything he might think that she owes him.

This is where it all ties together.

Back in the day when a couple married, the woman would bring a dowry (money or goods) into the marriage; this would contribute to the new family’s household.  The husband would pay a brideprice to the woman’s family.  The brideprice compensated the family for the economic loss of a daughter in the household.  The bigger a woman’s dowry, the better her chances of marriage.  This dowry was also her safety net.  If her husband sent her away, he sent her dowry with her.

The woman in question, in verse 7 was too poor to provide a dowry.  Instead, she went to go live with and work for/with the family she would marry into until she was married.  They took on the financial burden of providing for her and got the financial blessing of an extra set of hands as she lived with them in anticipation of getting old enough to get married.  If she leaves, they loose the extra set of hands.  To some extent, they paid for her and could argue that if she were to leave they should be reimbursed for their financial investment.  This passage says that isn’t the case.  She must be treated well and if she’s not, she can leave and she owes them nothing.

As awful as this situation may sound to my 21st century North American sensibilities, it was a way for a father to provide for and protect his daughter.  It was a way for her dad to find a husband for her if he didn’t have enough money to provide an attractive dowry.  She gets married.  He must treat her well and provide for her.  This prevents her from being single her whole life (a worse proposition in ancient times than we would consider it today for too many reasons to go into) and it prevents her from needing to provide for herself (prostitution).  She is legitimately a wife and is legally protected.

This law is designed to protect a very vulnerable member of ancient society the poor, single woman.

*Compare to Deuteronomy 15:12-18 where both the woman and the man serve for six years.  This is another reason why I think Exodus 21:7-11 is a unique marriage situation, because a woman who serves as a normal indentured servant can go free after six years, like the man.

A Lie Revealed. A Victim Set Free. An Relationship Restored.

I have never been particularly shy about talking about my dad’s brokenness and the impact it had on my life.  I want to be respectful of him, but I also want to tell my story, a story in which his brokenness plays a significant role.

My dad was an alcoholic when I was little but, when given the ultimatum between alcohol or his family, he chose his family. A choice I am very grateful that he made.  Because he never dealt with the issues that drove him to alcohol he was emotionally distant and often angry.

In my twenties I became aware that my view of God was pervasively shaped by my view of my dad. When asked to describe God I would give a good, technical answer, “All-powerful, all-knowing, the creator of the universe, the sustainer of all life.” And, almost as an afterthought, “Love.  God is love.”  These things are all true.  But, with the exception of love, they do not reveal a highly relational view of God.  They show an academic view of God. Additionally, I worked really hard not to disappoint him and tried to avoid doing things that would annoy him.  I didn’t want to bother him with my problems.  Something like how I interacted with my dad.  I knew God was generous, so was my dad, and this generosity shaped me as well.  I also knew God has a lot of grace for sinners, as did my dad, but I wasn’t sure if he would putting up with his children who kept messing up.

As I realized that my view of God was insufficient, I longed more and more to experience God as what I knew a father could be.  A God who was gracious, compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.  I wanted to feel like a prize.  I wanted to know that I had been accepted, that God delighted in me.  But as much as I know these things are true in my head, I seem categorically unable to experience them in my heart.

This longing for acceptance and approval impacts my life profoundly.  In my last job, as a Resident Director in a dorm full of college girls, I was almost always available to them.  I truly loved them and wanted to be with them and minister to and with them, but I also struggled to maintain any type of boundaries and would often put the needs of the students over my own health or the needs of my family.  A good thing in me, compassion, was compromised by my unmet need for approval, an approval that I got when I knew I was making a difference in the lives of my students. I suffered.  My family suffered.  My ministry suffered.

As I have processed this deficit in my life, I have come to believe that if I had a healthier dad who had made me feel loved and accepted, I wouldn’t have had the deficit that I have been trying to fill my whole life. I came to this conclusion, in part, because there seemed to be a pretty clear correlation, in my interaction with college girls, between the girls who perceived their homes as loving and the girls who made relatively good choices and the a correlation between the girls who came from broken homes and made bad choices.

Recently, as I had a chance to listen to other women share about their dads and their dads’ impact on their lives I realized that I had developed a victim mentality in relation to my dad.  “If only he had loved me better, then I would be healthier.”  It was his fault that I was the way that I am.  And, because I was handicapped in this way, it wasn’t my fault.  While this is, to some extent, true, our pasts do shape and sometimes handicap us, we have to move beyond that and take responsibility for our own actions.  I had been playing the victim card for too long and knew I needed to stop.

Then, as I heard one woman talk about the godliness of her dad and the deep love he had for her, I found myself very jealous of her experience.  She talked about the tears that welled up in his eyes when she shared her story of abuse with her dad and how it broke his heart to see his daughter hurt at the hands of another.  I found myself welling up with empathetic tears and very distinctly felt the Holy Spirit impress two things on my heart 1) “make this the image of a father in your head” and 2) “the empathy you feel now is the empathy you inherited from your (heavenly) father.”  The way I feel with broken people is something that comes from my heavenly dad.  I may have my earthly fathers blue eyes and intellect, but I have my heavenly father’s heart.  For the first time, I felt a kinship with my heavenly father.  Part of his DNA was in me.

I suspect our relationship is opening up in a whole new direction.  And, as I look forward to getting to know my heavenly father better, I will be forever grateful for what my earthly father taught me and that he did mirror so many positive godly characteristics so that, despite the fact that my image of God is incomplete, it is there.  He got me started thinking about God and talking about God; he just wasn’t able to show me a full picture of God because he didn’t have the full picture himself.

My dad’s 60^th birthday would be in a week and a half if he hadn’t passed away nearly six years ago.  I cannot express how glad I am that he is now in the presence of Jesus and that he now see God for all of who God is.  My dad now knows as he is fully known.  And, someday, he and I will stand before our heavenly father, in perfect relationship.  All of us together.  All of us seeing clearly.  All of us whole

Letter to my Teenage Self

I missed the link up at www.chattingatthesky.com last week, but I still wanted to share the letter that I wrote to my teenage self.  You can read over 250 letters from other people here.  The letters are meant to remind us of the struggles we faced as teenagers and the questions we were asking.  If you know a teenager now, they might be interested in Emily P. Freeman’s new book, Graceful, that inspired the link up and these letters.

Dear Teenage Self,

You feel alone right now, like nobody really sees you, knows you or understands you.  I still don’t know if that’s true or not but I know it feels that way regardless.  When your mom tells you that you will find people who understand you and make real friends in college, it’s true, you will.  And the longer you live, the better and deeper the relationships you form will be.  So, hold on, even though you feel alone now, you won’t forever.

You desperately want to know that God has a plan for your life and you’re freaking out wondering why he isn’t telling you what it is.  You want to know if you’re wasting your life, if you’re missing what he’s called you to.  No, you’re not.  God just doesn’t usually give us a clear vision of the future.  In 15 years you’ll look back amazed at where he’s brought you.  In fact, you’ll realize that if you knew where you were going to end up, you never would have been able to create a plan to get there.  Your path is guided by seemingly random connections and relationships and being at the right place at the right time.  You can’t plan that stuff, but God can, and does.  And don’t worry, you won’t miss it.  You won’t make one tiny mistake now that will completely destroy God’s plan for your life.  He is bigger than your choices.  Relax.

You are pretty.  It frustrates me that you don’t see it because you’re comparing yourself to others.  And your perception is off.  It really is.  Your value isn’t determined by your beauty, but you’re more beautiful than you can see.  Even if I were able to convince you to get past your insecurities I know you still wouldn’t listen to my advice because you value modesty, but I’m going to tell you anyway: wear a bikini.  You have a good body for it and you can.

You heard someone say that your high school years are the best years of your life. You hope this is not true.  Don’t worry; these are not the best years of your life.  You will look back on them with gratefulness, fondness and appreciation but you won’t long for them like some of your friends do.  Your life gets better with time.   You will walk through some deep sadness and you will experience some intense joy; you will live life feeling like you’re truly alive.  So, yes, you are right about that one.  These are not the best years of your life, but they are good years, so enjoy them as much as you can.

You genuinely love Jesus and you genuinely love people.  You’ll spend your life unpacking what it means to love with depth and fullness, but you’ve started on this God journey early and that will be good for you and those you come in contact with throughout your life.  You don’t have to relate to people’s sin to love and minister to them; your empathy and compassion and desire to respect people will go a long ways to build bridges with people who seem to be different from you.  And, along those lines, you will discover that there is more sin in your life than you are aware of, it just doesn’t look like the sins they’re talking about in youth group right now.  But when you begin to realize the depths of your own depravity, you’ll also get to experience the depths of God’s grace.  This will be painful but so, so good.

You will marry a man who is more competent throwing around theological phrases than anyone you know now. He is smart and will challenge the way you think.  He’ll like some of the same dorky movies and theological themes as your dad which, surprisingly your dad won’t like.  Don’t worry about this, it will be fine.  He will love you because of your brain, your willingness to question, your independence, your love for people.  In short, he will love you for being exactly who you are.  He will support you as you pursue your dreams and will help you to redefine Christian marriage.  The way he loves you will help you to experience the love God has for you.  But, oh my gosh, dating will be stressful.  You will doubt and question everything about him and the relationship.  You will cry and experience such pain, but the joy will more than make up for it.  You will learn that good relationships take work.  You will work.  It will be worth it.

I think that’s all.  I’m afraid I’ve told you too much.  I know the questions and uncertainty are such an important part of the process (that’s such and old person thing to say!).  But I want to let you know that, at 31, you will look back on your life so far and say, it’s good—a deep, very satisfying, very real good.  So know this, I’m proud of you.  I believe you can do it.  Keep moving.  Listen to any advice your mom gives you; she is a wise and amazing woman.  Things are good now, but there are even better things to come.  Live life as fully as you can, facing and conquering fears.  Struggle.  Rejoice.  And keep on looking at Jesus, you’re going to make it.

Truly,

Me, at 31.

My Mom, Linda LeYanna, is a Woman of Valor!

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.

-Proverbs 31:25

This is a speech my mom, Linda LeYanna, wrote for her college speech class last month.  Since you’re here because of her, I hope you enjoy it!

DANCING IN THE RAIN

by Linda LeYanna

My name is Linda LeYanna and I have chosen to share one of my favorite pictures with you today.There are 3 older women sitting on a park bench, under umbrellas and a five year old dancing, catching raindrops in her mouth.

I was one of those 3 women and my oldest granddaughter was the dancer. Why was I not out dancing with her? Was I afraid I would melt? Afraid of being different? Or just too tired?

This was taken at the outdoor rehearsal of my daughter’s wedding which took place the next day in Parchment’s Kindleberger Park. I didn’t have this picture in my hand until September of that year. It was one of my favorite photos from the wedding and has always held deeper meaning for me.

You see my husband David and I were marrying off our last child, we had a 5 year plan, I had quit my job and we were moving to a great spot in Grand Rapids. I would have time to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life after we moved while sitting on our new deck and watching the fall leaves turn color.

HOWEVER, God had other plans for the next five years that would move me off the bench, out from under my self- protective umbrella, moving me out into the rain, dancing!

I had been diagnosed 2 years before with a melanoma (a type of skin cancer) and the first thing that popped into my mind when I was given the diagnosis was: Even though He slay me yet will I praise him. Ok, where did that come from? I’m pretty sure I didn’t learn it as a child in Vacation Bible school, so I went home and looked it up. It is from Job 13:15. I knew that was from God and my new informal classes in Trust had began.

I chose to have all of my annual physicals and dental checkups at my familiar doctor’s in Kalamazoo before winter hit, and even though we had moved, it was easier and would give me a year to look for new ones in GR.

So, when I had my mammogram in October, I was told that I probably had breast cancer. I WAS OFFICIALLY OFF THE BENCH. I was no longer on the sidelines I was on my feet.

This was definitely not in our five year plan. Over the course of the next 4 months I had several surgeries and thought all was good. As a final precaution I was sent to an oncologist. I could handle the surgeries, I didn’t think I could handle the chemotherapy, but my doctor seemed to think I wouldn’t need it. I did my homework, or at least had my son do it. He works at Bronson Hospital and I asked him to find out the best oncologist. He did, and I was referred to Dr. Liepman. You can probably guess that chemo was the next step away from the bench and the first holes began appearing in my self- protective umbrella. I knew that God was telling me to look up, that He was my protection, but I still held on to the handle of my disintegrating umbrella.

My husband David was diagnosed with kidney failure shortly thereafter. His first dialysis treatment took place 2 days before our 30th Anniversary. David’s deteriorating health was coupled with my second round of breast cancer, diagnosed at the four year mark of my remission and that of our 5 year plan. This new breast cancer included another surgery and a course of radiation to begin on January 28, 2008. David went into the hospital the day before my scheduled radion was to begin, which would prove to be his final stay. At this point MY UMBRELLA HAD COMPLETELY crumbled. I was open to the rain and the buffeting winds. But again God knew that he was enough and His provision would be all that I needed. I was willing to turn my head and my heart up. I had come to the end of me and into the strength that was HIS. I became aware of all the ways in which he was taking care of David and I. I was no longer afraid of the storm and I knew I could trust him completely, because he had been completely faithful so far.

David spent 37 days of his 42 day hospital stay in ICU and quietly passed from this life into the arms of the God we both loved and trusted. I had moved off the bench, lost the umbrella, and had turned my attention completely UPWARDS.

That first year as a widow, I began to open up to the opportunities around me. I made a pact with myself that if anyone asked me to join them in social activities, I would go. I was not ready for Zumba but a slow waltz was in order. Learning to move around on the dancefloor of life once again.

What was the final part of the picture? Taste the raindrops. I am continuously learning to “taste the Lord and know that he is good” as Psalm 24:8 says.

I asked God to give me a church with a list of 10 criteria that I had come up with, He did.

I wanted to retire, he miraculously allowed that to happen.

He provided the money for me to return to school and finish my degree by way of the VA. Learning new things is a miraculous rejuvenator!

So, this picture represents my past, my present and my future: off the bench, without my self- protecting umbrella, younger in spirit than I was in the picture, dancing in the rain (and the sunshine), and tasting that God is good.

As I look out at you I can’t help but wonder. Where are you? Are you on the bench? Is your umbrella in tatters? Are you dancing in the rain?

God knows and will be with you as you take the next step, holding you as you dance.